


gonna uncover what's sleeping in our souls

by littleblacksubmarine



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Crossdressing, Established Relationship, Fluff and Smut, Lingerie, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Nipple Clamps, Nipple Play, Shame, Shameless Smut, Trust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:20:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24619744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleblacksubmarine/pseuds/littleblacksubmarine
Summary: Sonny's ashamed of his - ahem - extracurricular activities, but like any good attorney, Rafael never lets a good secret go uncovered for long.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 81





	gonna uncover what's sleeping in our souls

It was a difficult thing, carrying around a secret, thrilling shame, even as he moved up the legal food chain.

Naturally, Sonny had a finer understanding of shame than most - hell, he'd grown up Catholic in a noisy, Italian family that had breathed down his neck trying to find moments where he'd slip up, prime real estate to be good naturedly needled by those who loved him. This, though - this could not be tolerated, nor understood.

Sonny processed his shame alone tonight as always, sliding a hand down the lean expanse of his torso, meandering down to the lacy waistband of his underwear. He'd purchased it online as always, wavering toward using an alias before abandoning the idea entirely, only after scouring the internet for reviews of the site filtered to include the word, "discreet." His chest was already heaving, one nipple captured in the tips of his fingers and pulling gently, grinding toward a piqued redness.

Sometimes he thought all day at work of the way he'd tease himself toward the crest of the wave, cupping the thick length of himself through the swirls in the lace barrier. Sometimes he took moments of deep breaths to calm himself before court, wondering if anyone could smell it coming off of him.

Those were the times he'd come home, shaking all over with the anticipation. It had become a ritual he tried to allow himself a mere once a week, allowing it to simmer below the surface he'd tried to shift into sophistication out of the necessity of his role. His hands trembled as he sorted through the bottom drawer of his dresser where he kept the panties hidden and out of sight. No matter how many times he'd pick a pair out of his modest collection, he flushed all over.

He stripped himself slowly, laying panties out on the bed alongside the lubricant and the clamps, and wondered for a split second which of the three shamed him the most and when he'd gotten a taste for the trio. Sonny had trembled as he dressed himself in the lace and silk, trembling still more now as he teased his nipples to taut peaks to prepare them for the bite of the clamps. His arousal was already mounting, beginning to dampen the front of the panties. He'd chosen the powder blue color in the vain hope it might set off the color of his eyes, as if anyone might see and appreciate it.

As he gasped at the first bite of the clamps, his mind flashed to Rafael - Rafael, who'd touched him so gently for months, too gently, if he were being honest with himself. He'd carried a crush that was just as shameful as his _proclivities_ for years, and when he'd heard that Rafael was back in town, he'd felt a flutter for something he'd hoped had been able to put to rest. When he'd heard Rafael was invited to the same after-work gathering at his former Lieutenant's apartment, he felt the faint, building dread that it might never be that simple.

When he'd seen the thick, neat beard on Rafael in person, he'd had it confirmed. Despite his new ADA title, he still felt like the inwardly small, outwardly mustached detective that had tumbled in Manhattan SVU and immediately revealed himself as needing to be molded into someone effective, someone likeable. He'd come a long way and found so much of his footing, but was suddenly and unfortunately reminded of his place when he found the easy smile and sophistication of Rafael in front of him.

Much to his surprise, Rafael had asked him for a drink the following weekend, texting from a number with an Iowa area code he hadn't recognized.

"I changed it when I left, on an impulse," Rafael had admitted with a sheepishness that seemed uncharacteristic. "A clean break, if you could let me have a cliché." It seemed to pain him to reveal just how much the experience had shaken him right down to his bones. Sonny felt a warm ache at the small fracture in Rafael's armor, like someone were pressing with two fingertips upon a bruise he hadn't realized was there.

"I've been known to indulge a cliché once in a while," Sonny had told him kindly.

They'd fallen into bed easily after four similarly easy dates, a familiarity there that Sonny hadn't expected until he could feel Rafael's smile against his lips. It had been enough of a thrill for him to realize that Rafael felt similarly, hard and arching beneath him before rolling Sonny on his back to take him apart with his mouth, working him open with slick fingers before slowly, tenderly pressing inside of him. Sonny shivered all over the first time, kissing Rafael desperately.

He'd choked out that he loved Rafael the third time, feeling hot all over when Rafael had hoarsely agreed instead of blanching in horror at the suddenness of the statement. He wondered how long he'd loved Rafael, loved him without ever being able to acknowledge it or speak even an inkling of it to anyone aloud.

Admitting the desperate, beating bloom of adoration had come easily, so easily he worried each time that scarier things would come out. The rasp of Rafael's beard between his thighs teased out a jolt in his lower belly, and he'd almost come more than once just to imagine what other hurts Rafael could give him to tease pleasure out of him.

Here, tonight, on the flat of his back with his nipples pinched and his cock trapped, he allowed his mind to turn over and over again the idea that he could come apart under Rafael's hands in this way. It made him gasp harder as he struggled to avoid grasping his cock bare just yet, always wanting to tease himself on the edge as long as possible. The clamps bit deeper as he shifted, and he bucked up, whimpering as he looked down to study his body and seen where he was restrained and made to ache.

Sonny teased one of his captured nipples, involuntary tears prickling under his lids when he finally allowed himself to pull at them, and it was downhill from there as he toyed with himself, coming apart with a desperate, rattling sob when he finally allowed himself to touch entirely without abandon and with a slick fist.

In the aftermath of it, he felt himself blushing with horror to remember the thoughts that had flooded him, of Rafael holding him down, making the sensations in his body sharp and electric and _painful_.

Suddenly he was childlike again, wondering why he was _different_ in Sunday Mass in an itchy suit and clip on tie. It had been bad enough that no girl had ever made him feel the way he did when in the varsity locker room or sneaking glances at his sisters' Tiger Beats. It was even worse to wear lace and silk and hurt himself, and then come so much harder, more violently, than any other times he'd lay hands on himself. Rafael wouldn't love that part of him, and Sonny didn’t want him to even have to feign an attempt and then disappear.

-

He'd met up with Rafael after court the following day, having delighted but also flushed embarrassedly about the soreness he felt all day when his undershirt brushed across his abused nipples. Sonny hoped it would fade over the course of the day, knowing Rafael would have no qualms about mouthing across his chest, licking gently when he wasn't kissing Sonny's slack, moaning mouth. He ought to have waited for another day, or toyed with himself earlier in the week. Foresight was never his strong suit.

Sonny had moved into a nicer apartment when he'd been promoted, excited at the better view but dismayed when he realized his furniture still looked cheap in its broader expanse. Thankfully, Rafael either tacitly ignored it, or hadn't noticed at all in the first place. When he arrived at Sonny's door, his smile was broad beneath the thatch of his beard. He held two containers of takeout from the Chinese restaurant near to his own apartment. Sonny could never resist the sesame chicken.

"Hi," Rafael said kindly, lacing their fingers together for a moment as he walked in, making himself at home. "Glad to see you." Sonny leaned in, kissing him with a sweetness he'd never want anyone in the courtroom to know he was capable of as he tried to establish his footing as a hardnosed prosecutor.

"You too," Sonny said quietly. "I missed you. How was your day?"

"Long," Rafael said with a heavy sigh, though not an upset one. "I have a student in my eight AM lecture who is very excited about the prospect of becoming a public defender, and not excited at the idea that some people are guilty." It was a haughty statement, but made both of them laugh. Sonny pressed another gentle kiss to his lips, still feeling the edges of Rafael's laugh. " - hell of a way to start the day."

Sonny produced a pair of beers from the fridge, secretly enjoying the way he'd teased out the revelation that Rafael enjoyed cheap domestics despite his best efforts to give the illusion of infallible _good taste_. He twisted off the lids, abandoning them on the counter. He picked up a fork for himself, knowing he was incapable of making a hopeless mess of rice down his front otherwise.

They ate at the small table that Sonny had upgraded to when there was more space in his apartment for more than just a few TV trays. Rafael always wanted to know the ins and outs of Sonny's case of the day, and Sonny found himself grateful that he never tried to offer advice in a way that felt corrective. Sometimes, he offered no other commentary than some variation of _that's interesting_ or _you worked hard_ , and it felt good to abandon the idea of _shop talk_ at all.

Rafael could make eating noodles look graceful, and he smiled at Sonny, gesturing for him to brush away a stray grain of rice at the corner of his mouth.

"Much better," he said, and Sonny reached across the table to rub a thumb over the top of Rafael's hand with fondness. " - even better," Rafael corrected himself. laying down his chopsticks and putting a hand on his stomach as thought to indicate he was full.

Once they'd finish, Sonny got to his feet and gathered the leftovers, placing them in the fridge and depositing the emptied beer bottles into the recycling bin. He felt responsible now, an adult who was conscientious enough to protect the environment, and respectable enough to be gradually updating his furniture and collection of ties. And still, there was something about him that felt tiny and wanting, unworthy of respect.

The feeling left his mind when Rafael crowded him in the kitchen, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him in close to kiss the back of his neck.

"I meant to agree earlier - I missed you too." His breath tickled warmly against Sonny's neck, splaying his fingers across his belly as he sucked a light, tiny bruise into the nape of his neck. "I've been missing you more and more when you aren't around lately." He now ran his fingers through Sonny's hair, mussing it just enough to shift him into the sense of casualness that they both sought here in this space.

"I know," Sonny agreed, chest feeling warm and tight at the same time. "This feels so good, always." He turned, suddenly wanting nothing more than to see the way Rafael looked at him - always. He couldn't help but beam at Rafael as soon as their eyes met, and Rafael thumbed affectionately at the dimple in his cheek. It made him feel uneasy, as though if examined too closely he would collapse like a house of cards.

Rafael pulled him closed by the belt loops of his jeans, pressing their hips together. Their lips met in turn, and Rafael kissed the way he did everything in life - practiced, ardent, confident, and impeccable.

"Did you ever think we'd be here?" Rafael breathed, sounding for a moment that he scarcely believed it himself.

"No," Sonny said honestly, savoring the slide of Rafael's hands up to the blades of his shoulders. "Maybe in my wildest dreams I'd be kissing Rafael Barba right now - _maybe_ ," he said emphatically.

"Once the mustache was gone, it was game over for me," Rafael mused, holding him even closer by his back now. "I wanted you. It was right just to wait, I suppose." He paused. "It would have been unprofessional."

Now Sonny could feel the dimple of his smile deep as ever in his cheek, a smile that had felt entirely too absent from his life until the last several months had rolled around. He felt glad he had stuffed so much down, despite the way the secret rasp of lace against his body made him feel more alive and wanting to be shared. The faint hope had beaten within him for so long it felt like the marrow within his bones.

"You're blushing." Rafael's voice was warm and teasing, and welcome despite Sonny's fear of losing that warmth entirely with one misstep. He kissed down Sonny's neck again, nipping just slightly through the thin fabric of Sonny's t-shirt. "Don't be nervous. I don't know why you would be."

"I love you," Sonny said earnestly, holding him closer and trying not to arch too far into Rafael in hopes of getting more touch. "Better late than never."

Rafael let his fingers creep up underneath the hem of Sonny's t-shirt, tracing the soft flat of Sonny's belly, dragging a patient fingertip down the trail of his hair.

"I love you too," Rafael told him, kissing him hard and walking him backward into the bedroom. Sonny hoped he wasn't shaking all over, hypervigilant about trying to manage each minute movement of his body. "Let me take you to bed." The idea of being _seen_ and perhaps _studied_ felt too much, though also wavering more toward not enough.

He could taste the cheap beer on Rafael's lips, and it felt entirely familiar in the way one of the scads of fraternity parties he'd attended in undergrad did. There was a sense of safety that batted him between comfort and nervous anticipation. He supposed he ought to have been thankful for Miller Lite, and weighed the benefits of writing a praise laden email.

Sonny reached for the light switch, but his hand was batted away.

"I want to see you," Rafael murmured, directing Sonny away from where he'd tried to turn the light off. Instead, he used a sure, persistent hand to push Sonny down to the bed to sit. "I want to see all of you." Sonny supposed that the words shouldn't be enough to terrify him, probably not Rafael's intention, but he remembered the way his pale skin had been mottled in the bathroom mirror when he'd dressed himself that morning. " - can't get enough of you."

"Let me see you too," Sonny rasped, fighting the urge to rub himself through his jeans where his cock was already filling out. If he hadn't been desperate to see the golden expanse of Rafael's skin, he'd wonder if he was trying to buy some time before he had to reveal himself to the air and the light. Rafael smiled and shucked his shirt off overhead. "God," he said, almost reverently in a way that made him laugh at the juxtaposition.

"It's just me," Rafael said, undoing the button of his own pants. His underwear were soft, unpretentious briefs - nothing like the silken fantasy Sonny had previously woven in his mind before he'd seen Rafael strip himself down for the first time. He ran his fingers through Sonny's grayed locks, even grayer now that he'd taken on so much more - a hazard of the job. "Just me," he said, almost a hum as he guided Sonny's arms over his head to pull his shirt off.

He only felt Rafael's eyes on him when he'd arrived down on his soft comforter, chest finally exposed to the light. Rafael came to join him on the bed, running a hand down from Sonny's neck to his chest.

Despite his earlier devotion to managing his movements, Sonny immediately flinched, startling but not shrinking away from the searching fingertips.

"Sensitive?" Rafael whispered, breath hot against the shell of Sonny's ear. Sonny made a whimpered noise of agreement, and Rafael looked down to watch his nipple stiffening beneath his fingers. The attention made Sonny feel like he was wilting under it, in contrast to the way that his cock gave an excited twitch beneath the layer of denim. Rafael gave the lightest, barest roll of Sonny's nipple between his fingertips, making visible shudders wrack his frame. "Never seen you like this before; you look so _hot_."

"I - I - " Sonny stammered, at a loss for words but thrusting up into the open air searching for friction from something other than just his jeans. "Rafael, _please_ ," he gasped, more for mercy than further stimulation, but any other pleas that might follow died immediately on his lips. He whined high in his throat, shuddering and writhing.

"I won't hurt you," Rafael promised.

Sonny felt the circuits in his brain fizzle and surge, overloaded and rendering him nonsensical.

"What if I wanted you to?" he asked, any semblance of self control discarded to the wayside. He immediately felt a sharp punch to his stomach, shame barreling through him upon hearing what his broken voice had asked for. Rafael's fingers stilled for a moment, and Sonny braced himself for the impact. He squeezed his eyes shut, wanting to vanish. "Shit - I - I'm sorry, I just - " He was lost for words, pained and pinned and wanting to flee.

It was as though every stitch in the shroud he'd fought to hide under so long had unraveled, picked apart at every seam and abandoning him entirely. He was ashamed.

"Hmm?" Rafael asked, leaning up on his elbows to study Sonny's face. It was too much, and he tossed an arm over his face to shield it. Rafael laid a light hand on his forearm, clearly hesitating on whether or not to push him even future. The seconds ticked by slowly, and Sonny was glad he'd crudely blinded himself out of necessity. "Did you bruise yourself like this?" He traced the edge of Sonny's nipple, still abused and sore with black and blue lightly mottling it.

Sonny unfolded his arm and instead slapped his hand over his eyes, nearly prickling with tears. Even that shame on its own would be a bridge too far, but combined with the shame of the edges of his _habits_ being revealed was enough for him to wish he could disappear never to be found and hopefully forgotten. He hadn’t been so embarrassed in decades.

"Did you?" Rafael asked again, using the backs of two fingers to stroke down the lean side of Sonny's body. "Tell me."

It felt cowardly to lie.

"I, um," Sonny whispered, voice sounding like brushing leaves. "Sometimes I like to - " His face was painfully hot, and he couldn't speak further.

Rafael leaned down, swiping a small, barely there kiss against Sonny's sore nipple. He bucked up, trying to stifle his bitten gasp and failing miserably. He lathed his tongue gently over to follow, wringing a helpless sob past where Sonny gnawed at his lip.

"Tell me what you like to do?" Rafael asked, though it didn't sound like a suggestion. He let his hand slide between Sonny's legs, tracing the seam of his jeans but not touching further. Sonny didn't speak. "How did you do this to yourself?" He kissed Sonny's collarbone now. There were a few moments of silence, agonizingly long. "I want to know, gorgeous."

The endearment was enough to break the dam. "I like to hurt myself sometimes while I get myself off," he said, knowing the statement was crude but feeling that he owed it to both of them to be honest. He was terrified, glad for the moment that he had chosen to downplay just how often he fantasized about the act of causing himself pain even without actively doing so. "I use - I - oh, fuck," he said, failing.

Rafael stroked down the center of his chest, kissing at the curve of his bared shoulder.

"Did you use clamps on yourself, baby?" he asked, guessing by the pattern of the marks. "Is that it?" Sonny knew his cheeks were red, spilling all the way down to his chest. "It looks that way to me."

"Lucky guess," Sonny whispered, knotting the fingers of the hand not clapped over his eyes in the bedclothes. "I don't do it every time." The statement felt small and pathetic to his own ears. "I try not to."

"Look at me."

The command made Sonny shiver all over, feeling both terrible and curious at once. The embarrassment was overpowering. He fought down the urge to hide, but remembering always that he had too much respect for Rafael not to cooperate. He loved Rafael, loved the way he'd felt loved that way in return, and had been held close and appreciated for all of the inches of himself that anyone was allowed to know. It was simply the parts below the surface that revolted him.

Now here they were, drawn out of hiding and exposed to the light.

"I can only imagine what you look like when you do that to yourself," Rafael said, his voice gone surprisingly husky. "I bet you look beautiful." Sonny's eyes fluttered open in surprise at the tone of Rafael's voice. "I bet you look so beautiful when you make yourself feel good."

Sonny whined high in the top of his throat. "I'm sorry," he said, unsure what else he could possibly offer.

He found himself startled when Rafael lifted a leg to wrap around Sonny's hips, pulling him in closer and rubbing their cocks together through their pants. His mouth went slack as Rafael pulled him in closer, and Rafael took the opportunity to kiss him hard in the hot gasp of his mouth.

"I love you," Sonny whimpered against his mouth when they broke away, clutching at Rafael's shoulder now as though worried he might evaporate between his fingers. "I hope that you still - "

"Of course I do," Rafael murmured, pulling Sonny against him by his ass. "God, you're so fucking hot. I can't believe you." He fumbled with the button and zipper of Sonny's pants, somehow gone sloppy with the power of Sonny's admission. When he'd finally wrenched the fly open, he slid his hand inside and below Sonny's boxers, working as dexterously as he could in the confines. And then: "could I use them on you?"

"What?" Sonny blurted, though his voice was soft.

"I want to, if you aren't too sore."

"Really?"

It was beyond the wildest dreams he'd ever had, never having had the courage to push for such a thing with anyone else. Life was not supposed to get this good, having realized his career aspiration - fucking _finally_ \- and thus far ended up with the object of his affection after so many years of eyeing him across squad rooms and feeling invisible at the same time. It would be too much to hope for that the same things that made Sonny run hot and desperate might excite Rafael, or at least be tolerated by him.

"If it makes you feel good, I want to do it." Before Sonny could protest, Rafael kissed him hard, filthily invading the wet space of his mouth and making him groan. Sonny arched upward with both his hips and chest, pained in his need for more touch - anything Rafael might be merciful enough to give him. "All I want is to make you feel good."

Sonny nodded with an almost violent sense of force.

"Where are they?"

A new, hot rush of guilt flooded through his gut. He knew exactly where the clamps rested, and exactly what else resided in that same drawer. Trepidation beat within him again, and his mouth was suddenly as dry as a bone. His lips fluttered for a moment, and he again felt helpless.

"I - " Despite only speaking one mere letter, his voice trembled.

Rafael gently kissed him, reassuring in his insistence. His tongue teased gently at Sonny's lower lip, letting his hand glide up Sonny's torso to play with the abused point of his nipple. Sonny sobbed against his mouth, wanting nothing more than to throw caution to the wayside and lay himself barer.

"We don't have to if you don't want to," Rafael murmured, clearly leaning more toward comfort than backpedalling. He placed one fingertip beneath Sonny's chin, tipping his face up so their eyes could meet. "Sonny, I'd never want to do anything you didn't want to."

Time seemed to slow, and Sonny took a thin, broken breath in through his teeth. He took Rafael's hand in his own, curling their fingers together before laying their hands together on his chest. He maintained the eye contact as best as he could.

"Bottom drawer," he said finally, licking worriedly at his bottom lip where he'd sunken his teeth into it moments before. "But - they're not the only thing I - " He tipped his head back. "Fuck," he exhaled.

Rafael let out a low, fond laugh. "Sonny, as long as there's nothing illegal in there, knock yourself out."

Their easy rapport made Sonny feel as though he was gradually slipping further into a warm bath, and that maybe things might be able to work themselves out.

"I make no promises," he joked breezily, in direct opposition to the fear quietly thrumming through his veins. Their hands rested together on his chest, and he squeezed Rafael's fingers in his own, hoping it might enough to steady himself at least for a few seconds. "Rafael," he murmured, embarrassed. "I've never - "

Rafael looked at him expectantly, though without judgment.

Sonny offered a shaky, sheepish laugh that felt like a paradoxical sort of relief even as just a short release. "You'd be the first." He averted his eyes before steeling himself enough to meet Rafael's again. "I've only done this by myself." Here came the longest pause yet. "I'm embarrassed, I guess." The _I guess_ was an afterthought - there was no _guess_ about it here. When he finished speaking, he swallowed heavily.

"Lucky me," Rafael mused, kissing Sonny's dimple again. "Let's see what feels good and go from there." He hooked his fingers in the belt loops of Sonny's jeans, gradually pulling down. Sonny lifted his hips up to accommodate. He was surprised to see his cock hadn't wilted with the shame of being underneath the microscope. "Try as you might, you can't scare me off so easily." Sonny's heart felt wrenched beneath the fragile cage of his ribs, and he smiled with a final nod.

"Unlucky me," he retorted sarcastically, finally kicking his pants down and aside. He paused and dragged one hand down Rafael's torso and back up, wrapping the cap of one shoulder with his hand and brushing his lips across the other side. "I don't mean that, of course."

"Of course," Rafael said with mock arrogance, and they both chuckled. Despite what he'd already revealed - and what was yet to come - at least this part remained _easy_.

Rafael kissed him harder, grasping him by the meat of his ass and pulling Sonny ever-closer into him. He groaned into Sonny's mouth, sliding his tongue in to _tease_ against Sonny's own. The heat between them was intoxicating, and Sonny found himself wanting nothing more than for the night to pan out, for this incandescence to never end, to go on for months and years and on and on. It reassured him to find Rafael's cock pressed up hard against his own - nowhere near running off from Sonny yet.

"Let me see."

And just like that, Rafael rolled away, leaving Sonny to gasp at the loss. Rafael moved toward the dresser drawer, and Sonny felt his focus narrow to the sparse few seconds before it opened. Rafael peered curiously inside to see what laid there in addition to the clamps which had already been discussed.

From his spot on the bed, Sonny could see Rafael's eyebrow raise in surprise as he took in the shock of lace and silk inside the drawer. He watched Rafael's hand drift into the drawer, playing almost tentatively over the unexpected fabrics, tracing the metal shaping of the clamps that lay on top of them. Sonny's face splotched with a blush that felt probably went down into his very skeleton.

"Jesus, Sonny." Rafael sounded almost breathless. "This is what you've been up to?"

Sonny was unsure how he ought to respond.

"Yes?"

In a flash, Rafael returned to the bed with clamps in hand, though clearly disappointed to have to return without ample time to browse full the trappings he'd found. Sonny could see Rafael's cock sway insistently between his legs, slick at the tip. He laid down heavily beside Sonny with a gracelessness that seemed wildly out of character, and he kissed Sonny hungrily.

"I never would have guessed," Rafael gritted out between hot clashes of lips, tongue, and teeth, reaching down to grasp Sonny's cock to pump him with urgency. " - had no idea you liked this, how fucking filthy you could get."

"I - I do," Sonny stammered, looking down to watch the way his cock disappeared and reappeared in and out of Rafael's fist. "No one knows," he gasped out imploringly, as if begging for the continued comfort of secrecy. "Just you."

Rafael's smile was unmistakable as he pulled away, dragging his nails down the inside of Sonny's thigh without pretense. Sonny whimpered in delight, lifting his hips up in search of attention, and Rafael reciprocated on the sensitive skin of the opposite thigh. They could both see the way that the trails of Rafael's nails bloomed red and striking on the pale skin.

"To have all of his handed to me - " Rafael began, but restrained himself, dragging his hand up to clutch Sonny's jaw and pull him into a kiss. "You're amazing." His mouth was persistent, searching. "If I didn't want you naked so bad, I would've spent the rest of the night dressing you up, making you pretty for me."

There was a foreign, broken moan that filled the room, and Sonny abashedly realized that the sound had come from him without restraint.

"Next time?" Sonny rasped. Rafael nodded, nipping at the skin at the front of his throat. " _Please_."

"Let me put them on you?" Rafael asked, trailing the jarringly cold metal of one clamp down Sonny's front. He paused at the jutting bone of Sonny's hip before dragging it back up to brush against one of Sonny's still-sore nipples. "Can I?"

It was absurd that he would even feel he needed to ask permission.

"What kind of question is that?" Sonny huffed desperately. He spread his legs wantonly, trying not to buck up into the thin air. "Yes, _yes_." He'd never expected to have to negotiate the particulars of having his fantasy tolerated - let alone embraced. "Please. _Please_."

Rafael laid a careful hand between his collarbones, pushing him down so his back could meet the now-rumpled bedsheets.

"Touch yourself while I do it." The instruction didn't seem like a suggestion, and Sonny immediately complied, wrapping a shaking hand around himself. "I want you to tease yourself while you let me hurt you." Sonny frantically nodded his head, stroking himself slowly in compliance. His cock was dripping already, and he wondered if he might come just from this, even just the simple act of being laid out on display for someone who wanted to see.

His eyes were wide, and now he made no effort to hide his eyes from Rafael. Sonny found himself unable to speak, hoping his gaze was pleading enough.

"Tell me yellow to slow down, and red to stop," Rafael said hastily. Sonny had read enough tawdry websites with enough ads to infiltrate his laptop with viruses to know that there could be hours worth of negotiation that went into outlining the rules, but right now he found himself uncaring of how this first encounter might play out as long as it involved Rafael's hands on him, sharply and expertly. It seemed a simple enough place to start, and he trusted Rafael implicitly.

"Yeah, yeah," Sonny said, trying to keep his mind clear enough to remember the simple enough instruction. "You can do whatever you want to me."

Rafael rolled his eyes good naturedly. "Don't be that hasty," he said, firmly but gently pinching the skin of Sonny's hip as a deterrent. "We'll start slowly and figure this out together, right?"

Sonny nodded his head in agreement. Rafael gently traced the pebbled point of Sonny's nipple with the tip of one clamp. The soreness of it was intense, and he welcomed it readily, giving a breathy sigh and hoping to restrain himself from falling to pieces.

Rafael flicked the hardened nipple, and Sonny watched the way he methodically opened the clamp, still teasing. The sight of it made Sonny's chest heave, both in an attempt for breath and an unconscious quest to find that sharp, brutal pinch he'd always sought under another's hands. Rafael smashed their mouths together, allowing his own discipline to slip a little only in the way he kissed Sonny hard enough almost to suffocate.

When the clamp finally caught Sonny's nipple between it, it seemed that the entirety of his vivid imagination - years of it - narrowed into a single moment, exemplified by the soft exhale that Rafael let out as he watched the reddening bud captured. The sound was deafening.

For his own part, Sonny cried out in a strangled sob, feeling a pulse of precome burst from him in abandon. There seemed to be nothing more striking than a wish fulfilled. Rafael flicked the clamp experimentally, and Sonny circled his hips upward. He had certainly enjoyed the sensation of it by himself - always - but now reality was crushing fantasy to smithereens.

"When did you first find out you liked it?" Rafael gritted out, leaning over him to rub himself flagrantly against Sonny's thigh as Sonny's hand worked frantically at himself.

Sonny's mind was swimming, and it seemed ridiculously archival to try to pinpoint an exact moment.

"Nobody ever did it hard enough," he gasped out, remembering the way a smattering of lovers had tried to pinch, pull, and bite at his chest to make it hurt enough for him to come as quickly as he eventually came to know he could on his own. "I just - I liked it so much, but it was never enough until I did it myself." It seemed a rudimentary answer, but one that he knew satisfied Rafael based on the way he could see beads of slick dripped onto Sonny's hips where they ground together.

"And when did you decide to take it into your own hands, hmm?" Sonny found himself borderline-infuriated by how conversational Rafael's tone seemed despite the way he was preparing to pinch Sonny's other nipple between the unmerciful steel of the second clamp.

"Too much Jameson and - and online shopping," Sonny panted, clenching his eyes shut to try to avoid looking down at where he was exposed and vulnerable. "They - they came a few days later and I almost came in my pants." His mind was gone now, throttled into an honesty he'd never expected to find with Rafael, or with anyone.

He could immediately hear a garbled curse escape Rafael, who fastened the second clamp around the opposite nipple without any hesitant. Sonny shouted, feeling himself captured and thrusting hard into his own hand. The shout was smothered as Rafael pulled him in by the back of the neck and kissed him into quiet submission.

"Rafi," Sonny gasped, finding the nickname unexpected but comfortably at the tip of his tongue. "Please, I don't know how long I can last - I'm sorry, I just - " He panted, feeling trapped and helpless, but deliciously so.

Rafael was already rummaging in the bedside drawer for the bottle of lubricant that he had known from the onset that Sonny stashed there.

"This is a lot," Rafael agreed, rubbing himself shamelessly against Sonny. "This is enough for tonight." Sonny bobbed his head eagerly, and they both watched as Rafael clambered on top of him. Rafael dispensed a generous amount of lube onto his fingers, though sloppy over most of his hand. He slotted their hips together, taking both of their cocks together in one clumsily-soaked hand.

Sonny's head lolled backward, mussing the pillowcases beyond repair for the night. His jaw dropped open with soft, huffing breaths leaving him. Those breaths tapered into wordless cries at Rafael's free hand rose to his chest, pinching and plucking where Sonny's nipple was captured in the metallic bite of the clamps. Sonny hoped his neighbors had - predictably as ever - gone upstate for the week, as his garbled cries had risen to a shout.

"You're fucking beautiful," Rafael groaned, nipping hard at Sonny's bottom lip as he twisted the opposite nipple in the bite of the clamp. "I love you - so glad you let me have this." The genuine quality of the statement was most assuredly not lost on Sonny, and he found his chest constricted to the point of near-violence. He couldn't tear his eyes away from the way Rafael looked at him as a worthy, adored thing.

"I love you too!" Sonny whimpered, his blood feeling close to its boiling point. For a moment Rafael's fingers drifted back, playing lightly over his hole, and Sonny wished he weren't so close to the edge of coming even from the rough slide of their cocks together.

"Next time I'm going to dress you in your favorite panties, your favorite color," Rafael vowed, his own hips jerking, and Sonny wondered how he'd possibly gotten so lucky. A faint, darkly humored corner of his brain noted he ought to buy a lottery ticket tomorrow. " - going to make you make a mess of them so I can buy you more."

"I'm going to come," Sonny burst out, knowing it was true and imminent.

"Then do it," Rafael urged, tugging gently at Sonny's balls before resuming his strokes, faster and tighter than before. "Come all over yourself like a good boy." He let his slick, unoccupied hand meander up to flick repeatedly at Sonny's nipple where it was detained.

Sonny howled, jerking into his grasp and coming all over their cocks and bellies where Rafael had pressed their bodies together. His climax seemed to drag on forever, wracked with both jerks of his body and sobs of his breath. The molten spill of heat made him feel as though his demise was imminent - the perfect way to go, the joy of a wish fulfilled. He barely registered the sound of Rafael coming at first, but his attention was caught by the way Rafael murmured a gentle mixture of praises and accusations of being a wanton slut into his ear. It was perfect. It was everything.

They laid together, a mess of come and panting, slowing breaths as they came down from the collision. Rafael pulled Sonny in close by his hips, watching Sonny wince both at their sensitive cocks brushing together and the movement of the clamps still pulling at his nipples. Rafael allowed him a few moments to catch his breath before releasing the clamps, kissing him patiently to swallow up the mangled cry that escaped Sonny.

The silence between them was deafening. Sonny wanted to cry at the idea that this might have been a mistake.

Rafael rolled off of his body, though only far enough to retrieve a handful of tissues. He blotted at the mess of come between their bodies, only pulling away to get more with a slight, fussy noise when he needed more to clean them. Again, Sonny covered his eyes with the crook of his elbow.

To his surprise, Rafael hooked the fingers of one hand into his elbow and gently pulled his arm down and away. He knew his eyes were dazed, a fact that Rafael clearly took note of. The fondness of his expression and smile made Sonny struggle to catch his breath.

If there was to be a long, arduous conversation about consent or preferences or implications, tonight, it didn't come.

Instead, Rafael placed a chaste kiss to Sonny's still aching nipple before looking up to meet his eyes with a wolfish smile.

"Next time I want to see you dressed up for me, baby."

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is probably the kinkiest thing I've ever posted yet, so lemme just blush when I hit post on this filthy little thing. I think it might lend itself well to further exploration, so I better get over it quickly!
> 
> Apologies for any typographical errors - they are all my own and done in haste. Title is from Oasis - Acquiesce.  
> Thanks so much for reading! As always, I can be found on Twitter at @LBSubmarine.


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